Articles

Four Letter Word

In Life on June 4, 2012 by thebetweenthoughts

“Love” is a funny word.

I’ve had a difficult relationship with the word over the years (which is funny coming from someone who has been described as a hopeless romantic more often than not).  I have said it too early.  I have said it reluctantly.  I have said it as a final attempt to win over someone’s heart…even though I didn’t truly feel it.  I have also held it deeply in my heart and waited for the object of that word to be ready to say it to me (she never was).

So, “difficult relationship” is probably the most appropriate way to describe my experience with love.  (It’s actually even difficult for me to even type the word…I have to consciously force myself to use it when I think it’s appropriate for the conversation.  Delicious food, enjoyable experiences and enthralling movies…will only warrant the verb “like”.)

It’s a concept that has dominated most of my life though.  Something that I have searched for.  Something that I have discussed at length with anyone willing to listen.  Something that I have tried to define over and over again.  The word just seems so inadequate though.  How can four letters capture the feeling completely absorbs me when someone has touched my heart?

In my more cynical days, I once wrote that “love is the child of illusion and the parent of delusion”…

Love just seemed like something that existed in the fantasies of the blind.  I have been in a number of relationships where I have ignored faults, justified flaws and rationalized away all of the reasons why I shouldn’t be with someone.  Love was something that was artificially created, a product of a shared illusion.  And as the relationship progressed, the delusions slowly took over your mind and rendered you incapable of logical or coherent thought.  (Like I said…this was at the height of my cynical phase.)

I don’t really remember the loves of the past.  It’s funny how intense a feeling can be when you’re in the moment, yet after only a few years (or months), it’s become nothing more than a shadow in your heart.  [Sidenote: The past consumes the present, and the future is yet to be.  So, is love something that can only be experienced in the moment?  The longing you feel when someone isn’t near is just shadow of the actual feelings you have when they’re present.]  I’m not sure if those loves “count” anymore.  Once a love has failed you, doesn’t that imply that it never really existed in the first place?

Hmm…this is certainly more cynical of a tone than I had intended this blog post to be…but that’s what happens when I start to intellectualize feelings.  Of course, the reason why the concept of love has re-entered my mind is that the feeling has re-entered my heart (I think).  Something born of reality…organically built…and without the justifications of the past…suffice it say, it’s confused me.  I’m used to dating…relationships…and love…being associated with some degree of difficulty.  Without sacrifice and struggle, how could it actually be love?  But those are silly thoughts born of a childhood seeped in too many romantic movies where star-crossed lovers suffer through every trial before finally kissing in the sunset.  What I’m currently experiencing would be the most boring rom-com ever…but it might be the one that finally has a happy ending.  Time will tell of course…and (for once) I’m just enjoying every little moment that I can.

When (and if) the time comes and I’m ready to say that four letter word…will I have the courage to open myself up and make a connection that has eluded me all these years?

Fuck.

;P

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